Super Bowl weekend once again delivers a Local Spins playlist for the ages: Songs by this year’s halftime performers that tell the tragic tale of our last-place Lions. Hey, things can only get better from here.
An All-Star Hip Hop Lineup: It’s Sunday’s Super Bowl halftime show.
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When it comes to two terms that never get used in the same sentence – “Super Bowl” and “Detroit Lions” – this weekend’s edition of The Big Game actually reflects some sobering commentary on the plight of Motor City’s Mildcats.
I say this partly because Detroit’s own rap idol, Eminem, has a starring role in the much-hyped halftime show that’s heavily weighted toward hip hop hoopla.
And because it’s been an annual Local Spins tradition to stretch the imagination by pairing the Lions’ misery with various musical metaphors, it’s only apropos that we should do this again as the Los Angeles Rams and Cincinnati Bengals warm up for their uber-hyped duel at California’s SoFi Stadium.
Going Nowhere … Until He Was Traded to L.A.: Matt Stafford is in the Super Bowl.
Before that, however, we should acknowledge that many Michigan fans of our beleaguered Lions feel like a rejected lover in the pews watching the sweetheart of their dreams get married to someone else – the day before Valentine’s Day no less. Yes, longtime Lion and Hall of Fame-bound quarterback Matthew Stafford finally and happily made it to the Super Bowl … but alas, with another team.
The fact that he accomplished this in his first season with this foreign encroacher might seem like “Poetic Justice” to some (like Sunday’s halftime performer Kendrick Lamar, who released that particular track back in 2012, when the Lions finished with a lowly 4-12 record, which is actually a half-game better than 2021).
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Back to Eminem.
As we roll out our lugubrious, Lions-leaning Super Bowl LVI playlist, we naturally start with Marshall Mathers, who must have been referring to Detroit’s footballers when he penned “Nowhere Fast” in 2017, because our gridiron heroes promptly dropped from a winning record to 6-10 the following season.
TRAGIC ENDINGS, CRAZY GAMES AND NO HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Of course, the Lions’ history of the past half-century or so has been filled with “Tragic Endings” (2017), as Eminem also has pointed out. (How about losing a 2021 game at the last second because Justin Tucker of the Baltimore Ravens kicked a record-setting 66-yard field goal? Only the Lions could have this happen twice: Tom Dempsey of the New Orleans Saints kicked a then-NFL record 63-yard field goal as time expired back in 1970. This, of course, is just the tip of the massive iceberg when it comes to insane, heart-wrenching defeats suffered by the Lions.)
That lovable rapscallion Snoop Dogg is also on the halftime bill, an artist who’s given us such Lions anthems as “Defeated” (2018) and “2 Minute Warning” (2009), with the line, “Motivated to win, like I ain’t won yet.” Apparently, the Lions were motivated to finish 3-12-1.
Dr. Dre
Halftime performer Mary J. Blige, meanwhile, can’t seem to make up her mind about the Lions. While she insists “You Gotta Believe” (1994), she also cautions “Don’t Waste Your Time” (1999) and admits that we’re just going to get “Hurt Again” (2007) because of all the “Crazy Games” (2001) Detroit tends to play, creating absolutely “No Happy Holidays” (1999). Speaking of wretched holidays, the Lions have lost their last five Thanksgiving Day games and are 5-15 in their last 20. Talk about turkeys …
Maybe we should just take the aforementioned Kendrick Lamar’s advice when he says, “Ignorance is Bliss” (2010).
Finally, let’s leave it to the inimitable Dr. Dre to put the nail in the coffin, deliver the death blow and utter the final word on this musical Lions lunacy.
Because, let’s face it, by the second month of every season it seems that it’s “Game Over” (1997 with Scarface), leaving Lions fans muttering “Here We Go Again” (2005 with The Game).
Hey, things quite literally can only get better from here and there’s always next year. Which means I’ll see you right here again in February 2023.
THE LOCAL SPINS SUPER BOWL PLAYLIST 2022 ON SPOTIFY
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