Calvin Johnson isn’t the only key to success for the Detroit Lions this season: Having the wrong celebrity pop stars make ballyhooed appearances at Ford Field could spell doom for the boys in silver and Honolulu blue.
On Saturday, a glassy-eyed Eminem appeared on national TV in the broadcast booth during the much-hyped Michigan-Notre Dame football game to promote the single, “Berzerk,” from his upcoming new album.
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As awkward and wacky as this Big House pairing of a Detroit hip-hop icon with football commentators Brent Musburger and Kirk Herbstreit seemed at the time, the Wolverines did indeed go berserk on the Irish, running away to a 41-30 victory.
(I suppose it also helped that the beautiful Beyonce gave a special “Go Blue” video shoutout before the marching band’s halftime show, perhaps ensuring the “End of Time” for that team from South Bend.)
Now, from my humble vantage point in the cheap seats, I couldn’t tell if Eminem was in the house when the Detroit Lions hosted the Minnesota Vikings in their season opener at Ford Field the next day. But I have a hunch this unrepentant rapper and diehard Lions fan was around for the second half when our beloved-but-often-bumbling boys in silver and Honolulu blue finally woke up and had their way with the pesky purple pillagers.
If so, I wish he’d arrive on time from now on, because the first 30 minutes of this spectacle were filled with bizarre blunders that only the Lions seem to foist on fans: a bobbled snap on a field goal attempt, pointless penalties, TDs waved off after instant replay reviews, and a 78-yard scamper by the Vikings’ star running back on their very first play from scrimmage.
It got me to thinking about which musical celebrities are most likely to spur teams to victory and those stars most of us would cringe to see waving from a luxury suite, knowing full well it means the kiss of death. After a woeful 4-12 season in 2012, the Lions simply can’t take any chances: They have to make sure the right rock stars are in the house.
So, for the Local Spins annual Detroit Lions kickoff column, here are my picks for artists most likely to inspire hope on the field and in the stands at Ford Field:
Bob Seger – His infectious wide grin and graying head are always a welcome sight. The Great Lakes State’s favorite iconic rocker can’t help but guarantee the right “Night Moves” and a performance “Like a Rock.”
Kid Rock – Seger’s buddy already is featured regularly on giant Ford Field video screens urging fans to “Make some noise!” Love him or hate him, his heart is in the right place … pumping up the Lions.
Alice Cooper – Who better than Detroit’s own Alice to put a scare into any visiting team? “Welcome to My Nightmare,” indeed.
Jack White – Hey, White is a Detroit native and The White Stripes’ ubiquitous “Seven Nation Army” already ranks as the most-played rallying cry at football games.
Conversely, if you spot any of the following artists flaunting their stuff in promotional visits to Ford Field, be prepared to pack up, exit the stadium and head back to your tailgate early because all is surely lost.
Nickelback – When Canada’s Nickelback was booked to play the Detroit Lions’ traditional Thanksgiving game in 2011, a petition drive drew more than 50,000 signatures in hopes of keeping the rock band away. It didn’t work, so Nickelback played the halftime show and the Lions promptly lost to the Green Bay Packers, 27-15. Suffice to say, Nickelback is not welcome at Ford Field. In their own musical words, “Never Again.”
Justin Bieber – Face it: The Lions’ blue-collar image is decidedly anti-Bieb. Anyway, recent reports indicate the kid whose own image has taken a beating as of late is sporting a weak attempt at a mustache, something which wouldn’t go over well with 300-pound linemen in the locker room. Not to mention the fact that he’d probably run over the Lions mascot tearing out of the parking lot at 100 mph in his Ferrari.
Lady Gaga – Hey, the Lions already lay claim to some of the weirdest plays, strangest games and pull-victory-out-of-the-jaws-of-defeat fiascos in NFL history, so the last thing they need in the house is the queen of odd.
The Backstreet Boys – For many of us whose ears are still recovering from the tween shrieks the first time around, this is a boy-band comeback that “restores the roar” in the most horrifying way. Anyway, spotting them in a suite at a Lions game could also mean that touring partners New Kids on the Block are nearby. Heaven help us. And don’t even get me started on One Direction, who could send the Lions only, well, one direction: straight to the cellar in the NFC North.
Miley Cyrus – This one actually could go either way. As a former child star, her much-mocked twerking incident during the MTV Video Music Awards had parents sending their kids to bed early, so her presence at Ford Field might lead to flags for unsportsmanlike conduct. On the other hand, replaying her much-buzzed-about naked music video on the big screen while the other team has the ball could be a helpful distraction, allowing the Lions to take a “Wrecking Ball” to the opponents’ offense.
Email John Sinkevics at jsinkevics@gmail.com.
Copyright 2013, Spins on Music