It may rock, but Michigan fave Kid Rock’s “In Detroit” theme for the 2012 season doesn’t even mention the Detroit Lions. What about kicking off the season with reworked classics by other Motor City music icons? Check out the list.
Heaven help us.
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I mean, really, as Detroit Lions fans, we’ve all needed Noah’s Ark-sized doses of divine intervention over the past five decades just to make it through a single season – or even a dismal Sunday afternoon, for that matter.
With only one, scant playoff victory to show for our significant pain and suffering during that period, the most loyal and despondent fans deserve something to put this NFL franchise’s Spinal Tap-like display of futility behind them, once and for all.
We need something new to celebrate, something to cheer about as the Lions host the St. Louis Rams in the opening game of a season that holds so much promise after making the playoffs in 2011 for the first time in 12 years.
Pepsi — not heaven — decided to send Kid Rock to the rescue.
Just as the Lions seem to be picking up steam – or “restoring the roar,” a decades-old mantra that’s finally gotten these cats to clear their throats – one of Michigan’s favorite sons, Kid Rock, has uncorked a new Detroit Lions anthem to pump things up.
By all rights, he should be the perfect choice for the job. After all, the Kid brandishes his Detroit roots with pride and has earned high marks for his “Pure Michigan” loyalty.
And more than half of those folks who took part in an unscientific poll conducted by The Detroit Free Press actually approved of his new “In Detroit” theme, a bid to replace the schmaltzy “official” Lions fight song, “Gridiron Heroes,” which has roots in the 1930s and was resurrected after the team moved to Ford Field. Then again, “Gridiron Heroes” is the kind of tune that makes you feel like you’re watching a black-and-white TV in “Howdy Doody” pajamas, so it wouldn’t take much to win folks over with an updated theme. (Listen to Kid Rock’s tune here.)
Admittedly, Kid Rock’s raspy anthem has a thumping, arena-rock vibe. But upon closer inspection — after a replay review — even replacement referees might flag Kid Rock’s theme for a “false start.”
For one thing, his tribute to the Lions never even mentions, well, the Lions. Instead, it hails “old English Ds,” which of course, symbolize the Detroit Tigers playing at Comerica Park across the street.
And he doesn’t get the team colors right: “Blue and gray, all the way, and we come to play,” he croons. Blue and gray? Was he having trouble rhyming with silver and Honolulu blue? Not surprisingly, he does manage to toss in a plug for his own Badass beer.
On the plus side, “In Detroit” – a contrived sort of advertising campaign for “Pepsi NFL Anthems,” which has artists creating songs inspired by their teams – does boast the familiar lion’s roar from Ford Field.
To be fair, Kid Rock outperformed the other four artists – Kelly Clarkson (Dallas Cowboys), Travie McCoy (N.Y. Giants), Wiz Khalifa (Pittsburgh Steelers) and Ice Cube (Oakland Raiders) – who concocted Pepsi NFL Anthems for their teams. They all fumbled the ball, though Ice Cube at least embraces Oakland’s football tradition with references to “Raider Nation” and a host of legendary players and coaches.
And like I say, the Lions are about 80 years overdue for a new anthem, so I could live with “In Detroit” for now, especially because Kid Rock is such a champion for the Motor City.
(POST-GAME UPDATE: It wasn’t until about 6 minutes gone in the 3rd quarter of today’s 27-23 Lions victory over the Rams that Ford Field finally played all of a 15-second snippet from Kid Rock’s “theme” over the PA while showing him at the game on the stadium’s big video screen. That was it. Hmmm. Doesn’t sound like they’re ready to swap it out with “Gridiron Heroes” just yet, so “Forward down the field” you Lions.)
Still, I say why not give some other Michigan music legends a shot at this? How about it, Bob Seger, Aretha Franklin, Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, Eminem, The Verve Pipe, Stevie Wonder and Ted Nugent? Surely, you can rise to the occasion, provided you didn’t burn all your Lions gear during “The Dark Years.”
I’ve even got some suggestions for your 2012 themes — tongue-in-cheek as some may be — based on classics that have made you all Michigan music icons. And as an upbeat fellow, I readily admit these are the most optimistic I’ve ever concocted for my season-opening Detroit Lions column.
Sure beats the forlorn, 0-16 days of “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” “I Wanna Be Sedated,” “Comfortably Numb” and “Bungle in the Jungle,” eh?
Bob Seger, “Turn the Page (Time to Actually Win a Playoff Game)”
Aretha Franklin, “Who’s Zoomin’ Who (The Lions, That’s Who)”
Iggy Pop, “Raw Power (Welcome to The D-Line)”
Alice Cooper, “Under My Wheels (Say Hello to Ndamukong Suh)”
The Supremes, “Back in My Arms Again (Another Cliff Avril QB Sack)”
Grand Funk Railroad, “Some Kind of Wonderful (Ode to Calvin Johnson)”
The Verve Pipe, “Hero (Ode to Calvin Johnson, Part II)”
The Supremes, “You Can’t Hurry Love (But Boy, Can Calvin Run)”
Eminem, “Not Afraid (Of The Packers Anymore)”
Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels, “Devil with a Honolulu Blue Dress On”
Stevie Wonder, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m Yours (Said the Lombardi Trophy to Jim Schwartz)”
The Temptations, “Ball of Confusion (Yet Another Opponent’s False Start at Ford Field)”
Ted Nugent, “Stranglehold (On the NFC North)”
The Romantics, “One in a Million (Hey, Our Vegas Odds Have Improved)”
Email: jsinkevics@gmail.com